It's 1:30am and I can't sleep. It's not that I don't want to be in dream land,I just can't seem to fall asleep. I have the Big Blue Monster to thank for that I think. This last week has been a huge struggle to get much of anything done. I'm just glad the kids are old enough to take care of themselves.
I've been participating in a clinical research trial for the past 5 1/2 months for a new medication for depression, but I don't think this particular drug works for me. I started on the lowest dose and have worked my way up to the highest, but I don't see any change. I thought in August it was starting to work, but I was wrong. I guess I was hoping for some kind of miracle with the meds, but I still feel worthless, have a sense of hopelessness, and I'm sad a majority of the time. I'm also tired all the time, yet I can't sleep. It is so draining to pretend that everything is hunky dory when I feel so bad. What's worse is that I have a little social gathering to attend tonight and though I really like being with the people that will be there, I don't want to go. However, I will paint on a smile and pretend I'm fine when inside I feel like crud. AllI can do is to just keep plodding on.
1 comment:
Feeling this way is sooooooooooooooooo awful and I sense that you have been really struggling! Getting out helps some and talking through your pain is necessary, however, sleep is so vital to healing. It is unlikely that the medicine will work for you at this point--it should have given you some sense of relief from the Big Blue. Don't let that study dictate all of your medical care. There are so many options that help rebuild your serotonin! That beautiful baby can also rebuild some energy and life!
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